finally...

www.iWouldPreferNotTo.com


(damn... go away for a couple of years and you come back to find all your templates gone...)

   ... wjs... 10:00 PM

 
The transition isn't over of course. And something new is on the way.
But for now, back to basics...

Experiment 1 - Night
Experiment 2 - Day



   ... wjs... 8:28 PM

 
I'm all shook up.

   ... wjs... 8:23 PM

 
I could really freak out if I wasn't careful.

This world is like being stuck listening to someone else's music all day every day.
The song that is playing out there is not my favorite.
In fact, I think it sucks.
But if you aren't paying attention, you will find yourself humming along.
And understandably so, it is getting a lot of air time.
Depending on who's doing the cover, it can be rather catchy.
But the brand we most often here is this stilted and forced version that is somewhere between elevator and pop.
That's being nice.
With the temperatures and circumstances of today, it is a bad metal band pulling out my hair.

This is silly. All these words. But then again, our air-conditioner has been on for five weeks straight and right now, at 11 at night, I'm sweating eight feet away from it.
I don't know if that is a reason to be silly and dramatic, but apparently I'm using it as one.

   ... wjs... 8:11 PM

 
I think it is time to do something.

The thing is I've been thinking for so long I hesitate when it comes to doing something.
And when I hesitate, I think about it.
And I end up thinking I need to think about it some more.

Sure, the idea keeps changing and getting further along, but at some point I have to start.

(Still, that's the on/off switch again. I have already started.
Perhaps though I'm still at that point where there is still resistance in the switch. If I let go now, it is going to snap back into the off position.
I've still got to get to the point where it will naturally snap up into the on.)

Switches and cords...

   ... wjs... 10:48 PM

 
Here's what the beginning looks like this time...

I'm floating in the foreground of a white background.
I'm in a blown-up spacecuit and there are all these cords going from the suit to this machine.
Here's the history:
One day I realized I was here and saw all these cords.
I started running diagnostic tests with the diagnostic cords I found in the trunk.
I started making adjustments to the other cords.
Some I completely disconnected and others I just moved around.
But the tests ran long and
One day I realized I was here and saw all these cords.

The thought in the back of my head this time is that I need to unplug all the cords and float away...

   ... wjs... 9:58 PM

 
I'm still looking for the almight on/off switch.
It's just that I'm looking for it in the dark.

And thus the cycle is completed again.
Back where I started.
It looks different every time.

   ... wjs... 9:53 PM

 
Another night where I couldn't sink far enough down into this chair to feel alright.

I've worked myself into a corner.
I've got so many ideas in my head that I'm not completely ready for that I have no idea how to proceed.

I want to let go but I'm still trying to make things happen.
Perhaps that is it.
It is all connected.
I'm afraid of ending my attempts at making things happen for a couple of reasons.
I don't know what I will find myself doing if I let go. Will it be anything that I've talked about before? Will it be anything at all?
But simultaneously I'm also afraid that I will follow through on the ideas I have and that I won't be ready for the results.

All I know is that I won't be happy until I'm completely myself.
And it won't be happiness based on getting my way, it will be happiness in going my way.
The results won't matter...

   ... wjs... 8:55 PM

 
I am the only one standing in my way.
I keep trying to find someone or something to blame other than myself.

I am avoiding great changes.
I am avoiding simple changes.

Generally, I am scared to death.
I am so scared I don't know what to do.

   ... wjs... 8:46 PM

 
(... I can't see the beautiful things around me because I am talking too much.
I can't see anything because I've nailed it all down with words.

...but a while back I pulled out the claw hammer...
and I'm ripping the floor up.

I just hope you don't mind.

In fact, I was hoping you would want to help.)

   ... wjs... 7:39 PM

 
(We went too far with language.

You know how we make up stories?
Well, we made up the words and the meanings to tell those stories.
All of them, being made up, are fiction.

Anyone is able to say there is right and wrong.
But the words they use and the concepts they reference are not real.

Right and wrong are not the points.

... We can't see the beautiful things around us because we are talking too much.
We can't see anything because we've nailed it all down with words.)

   ... wjs... 7:35 PM

 
No one believes that everything will be alright if everyone is allowed to be free and do what they want,
so...
we've got all these people who want to make us do what they think is right.

And sure, things wouldn't be the same if we were released,
they would, in fact, be very, very different...
but generally, we don't even like it this way.
Neither do the people who tell us what to do.

The problems here are right and wrong. There are no such things.
They are simple, childish, and mythical concepts we made up words for.

Much like good and evil. ... There are no such things.

   ... wjs... 7:24 PM

 
A little clarity would be helpful right now.
...But the time of clear, useful answers has passed.

All I know is that I'm looking for a completely different world to live in.
And I know its foundation has already been built.
I'm walking on it right now.

The world is completely based on perception!
But we...


   ... wjs... 7:18 PM

 
The less time I have,
the more impatient I get.

There has been a run on time recently,
and hence,
I've become fairly impatient.

Impatience leads to unwillingness at accepting further disturbances.
... You can see the poor timing of reaching this point on a Sunday...

   ... wjs... 7:00 PM

 
Life itself is past the point of no return.

   ... wjs... 11:25 PM

 
I can see through everything.
Absolutely nothing is solid.

We keep painting pictures on glass windows to hide the view.
Except we have no skill at painting.
We buy prints instead and glue them up.

What do we not want to see?


   ... wjs... 12:19 AM

 
Floating in space.
This font suddenly seeming larger.

The last twenty four hours resembling a million years.
How did I gain enough of an impression of a million years to say that?
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
... Certainly.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But life is becoming a dream.
I question simple events from the past few hours.
Memories of the past have the relevance I felt when reading about the Civil War in the 8th grade.

Nothing has anything to do with any of us.

   ... wjs... 12:16 AM

 
I'm growing slightly concerned about the way I communicate with people.

I have made great strides with vagueness, which was what I intended,
but now I keep running into situations where I need to be clear,
and suddenly I find myself unable to.

Really, it will just take time to learn to be clearly vague.
I don't want to return to all the nouns, so proper and concrete.
They have such limited meaning.

Sure, you could do amazing things with the words 'telephone pole',
but it has nothing on the potential of 'this'.

   ... wjs... 7:55 PM

 
I feel the need to add that simple ideas like 'toaster' are easy to describe.
But a toaster is simple and concrete.

I meant simple and vague.

I think we've gone too far with the details.
I guess though that it could be said I have gone too far with the vagueness.

(What am I talking about?)

   ... wjs... 9:31 PM

 
So you see, right now I'm working on an idea I call "The Band".

I'd describe it to you but that's what I'm working on.
Sure, I've described it before.
About 100 different ways in fact.
And each one of them was right on...
...Partially because The Band is a 100 different things, all in one.

But despite the grandeur of an idea that is a 100 different things at once,
it is a very simple idea. (That's why it can hold so much.)

Sometimes simple things are very difficult to describe.
(That's why we generally study specific things. Because they are easier to understand.)

   ... wjs... 9:26 PM